It is a bitter day today, a bitter day indeed. A brightly colored egg lies in my reclining chair.
I've been staring at it for hours. Its pink, green and blue hues have burned into my irises. I just can't believe it happened. Everyone was on their patrol routes and all the alarms were primed. I myself had already strapped on my rocket powered rollerskates and dorsal fin safety-helmet and was ready to ignite the fuse any moment.
That was when it happened. A powerful feline shriek ripped through the air. "that bastard has gotten to the cats!!" i immediately deduced. I had to get to the cats quickly in order to save them the awful experience of being painted in pink and green stripes by a psychotic bunny obsessed with leaving painted chicken fetuses everywhere. I opted for the obvious solution and lit the fuse to my rocket powered skates. The choice was a bad one. I got the fuse for both boots lit and I got ready. problem was, that there is a slight delay between lighting one fuse and lighting the other. This delay translates to about three seconds delay between the first boot firing up and the second doing the same. This means the first boot fires off and gets your right side going rather fast while the left side doesn't move. now, when one side moves faster then the other you start to turn, and when one side moves a lot faster then the other you start to spin, and when one side moves at Mach two because it's driven forward by a rocket you start to spin, very quickly.
Now, when you start to spin extremely fast most people start to puke. and that is exactly what i did. So there i was looking like a overpowered vomit sprinkler when the other boot kicked in. So i started going forward, quickly. Seeing as how i'd been spinning at Mach two the last three seconds i wasn't exactly going the right direction either. I was however heading straight for the wall that separated the front lawn from the living room. Naturally i ducked so as not get hurt. This movement caused my dorsal fin safety-helmet to point forward turning me into a rocket powered ram. I ran straight through the wall and through the living room. well... i would have gotten through the living room if my right rocket roller skate had decided to give out that very minute. this of course left only the left roller skate, which resulted in an encore performance of the vomit sprinkler dance i had perfected earlier only the other way round. Partly from fear of death and partly from embarrassment i decided to give consciousness the slip for a couple hours.
When i came too i could see the results of my "dynamic" entrance to my living room. My living room was equal parts ruble, vomit and easter eggs. They were everywhere. pink, blue, green, yellow, red and azure. Defeat was clear and decisive. A depressed miaow found my ear and i discovered my recently clown colored cats hiding their embarrassment behind a bag of magnetic bunnyseed.
as it turns out my vomit fountain had blinded the SWAT-team guarding the living room leaving it exposed and even though Mr. E. Bunnie had fought bravely he hadn't been able to stop that easter egg obsessed maniac. The mercenaries had been no help whatsoever but that's what i get for hiring aid from "Poor Henchman inc." a bad choice i know, but it was less than half price of all the other places. The snipers had been blinded by my initial vomit fountain and thus unable to stop that furry monster from leaving.
you're probably wondering why Chuck Norris didn't stop the monster. Sadly, some terrorists had taken the British queen's dog captive and was pressuring the British parliament into giving animals equal rights by threatening to feed the dog poor quality dog food, which would just ruin it's beautifully shiny coat. Damn that PETA!!!!
-Vil. E. Amsus