Friday, January 7, 2011

Beating a dead horse -and other things about horses

It has come to my attention that bad people are spreading lies. More specifically they're telling lies about the proper care of horses. What these wicked people would have you believe is that you shouldn't beat a dead horse. This is of course a bare faced lie. No, really

As any informed person can tell you beating a horse is great, it makes people like you and get's you laid, everyone knows this. However there are are certain problems related to the beating of horses that make it challenging, problematic and dangerous.

First of all horses are crafty creatures who will stop at nothing to keep you from beating it. They will cheat, steal and lie to keep you from even attempting to beat them. They have a number of strategies they repeatedly employ to achieve this. The most common one is the aptly named "running-away" tactic. With this tactic they effectively circumvent the established rules of a beating by unfairly using their legs and ability to run fast to leave you behind, unless you are quick on your feet of course. This unfair tactics not only keep you from beating it but also gives the horse an opportunity to moone you as well as impressing the lady horses.

Don't let this happen to you!!

Beyond cheating horses will, as mentioned, lie to keep a beating from becoming a reality. Usually this happens once you approach the horse, probably after catching up with it. It will probably say something like : "whinny!"
By now you'll probably be thinking: "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, what if the others don't like me beating this particular horse?" or "maybe i'm just weird for wanting to beat this horse, i probably shouldn't do it" or if the horse is really good " this is weird why would i beat a horse right now, this is not the time for beating horses"
Thinking any of this is perfectly natural but do not falter, it is what the horse wants you to think! you must in this case simply ignore any second thoughts you might be having and just do it.

The real problem with beating a live horse however doesn't lie in either of these two difficulties with beating a horse. It real issue is with the danger.
Fact is that horses have legs and legs kick. Therefore when you get around to beating the horse it will probably try to kick you, and believe you me you don't want a horse to come back and kick you in the balls (or applicable lady parts, this has nothing to with genders) Now, sadly there is no easy way to avoid this, you must simply be better at beating the horse than the horse is at kicking you. Besides, if you try to do it in public you have to be careful which horse you beat as beating the wrong one might get you in trouble with other horses (stay away from religious horses, trust me)

As you can plainly see from the above beating a horse is a dangerous and troublesome affair. This however is where beating a dead horse comes in. A dead horse can neither run away nor can it make you doubt the wisdom of beating it + a dead horse can't kick you in the nuts (or applicable lady parts).

The only problem is that only very few of us have a dead horse lying around ready to be beaten and even if we did it wouldn't last long as it would start to stink and you'd have to throw it out. The solution is therefore, as always, A gun.
With a gun you can shoot the horse and beat it at your leisure. This technique removes all problems with cheating, because even if a horse can run fast a bullet runs faster.

Sadly though not everyone knows how use a firearm. I know to some of you it sounds impossible, but believe when i say that some people just shouldn't be allowed to raise their own kids. This problem is easily remedied though as there are a variety of excellent educational films on the subject. George Carlin's classical documentary entitled It's bad for your health is particularly good.

To sum up, i guess what i'm really reminding you to do is to kill the horse before you beat it. It's safer, easier and more effective and it let's you beat even the fastest horse (you should still stay away form religious horses though, i'm serious)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Hard Knock Life

Unfortunately I have been distracted from my duties as a public informant these past two months. But fear not, I shall make up for my absence in a blaze of desperate bad entertainment (replacing the well-known and loved university level education i have hitherto regaled you with) clawing at the air to avoid falling into the pit of obscurity now that my readers have ceased reading me.

Ok, apology over let's get back to explaining and complaining about the world.

you see these past weeks I have been travelling the world doing research for my thesis on modern smartassophy which I am currently writing in between educating the masses on this blog. The document is currently some 8000 words so shant bother you with the whole thing but rather continue my time honored tradition of being short and to the point. Therefore i shall give you some bullet-points of what I have learned through painful experience on my recent trips to a music festival and subsequent trip wandering the Corsican mountains. They are listed below in no particular order.

-- live pikachu are a poor choice for headwear during thunderstorms

-- flip-flops are not appropriate footwear for mountain climbing

-- one should bring more than one pair of socks on a weeklong mountain climbing trip

-- A seventy pound roll of toilet paper is simply useless on a mountain top

-- there is no need to bring a copy of Monty python's life of brian to a poetry reading

-- wearing more than seven sombreros to an indoors Shakespearean play will tend to rile the audience behind you

-- while tiaras might look nice they are impractical when competing in a head-nodding contest

-- they do not let you bring medieval lances on an aeroplane

-- the corsican national mascot is a black guy with a white ninja headband

-- an iron maiden is not a cozy place for a picnic no matter how much ant repellant you've brought

-- Mario is more famous than i am

I'm back baby

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

the tale of Tealkounikoiueanyuiyen the louyougen

First and foremost i apologize for the title of this post. The post has almost nothing do with either Tealkounikoiueanyuiyen, hero of the fantasy-kingdom-shire-middle-earth-resembling-but-legally-distinct-place series*, or the proud people of the Louyougen**. It was not my intent to dissappoint avid fans of this popular franchise, but their names clearly display the point i wan't to make. Which in case you were wondering is coming up. my point is that there is an issue with the names in fantasy literature.

fact is that the names in fantasy, whether it be literature or games or whatever, sound like the uttering of howler monkey who sat down on a frozen banana in a most unfortunate way. now there is nothing particularly bad about this in it self, but it does make the story difficult to follow. This is because fantasy also contains a great deal of self invented flora and fauna. add to this the fictional geography with the same name issues and it makes for difficult to follow sentences. let me give you an example:

"In the depths of the couaoeond*** deeeeaeeack was searching vehemently for the fabled Geeea-spououout"

now while it isn't strictly impossible to follow i think most people would agree with me that it would be a challenge to read out loud. Sure it's possible but we all know tongues look their best before being tied in a knot.

In some cases they might as well have written the names in Russian because frankly Столичная the drink makes the same amount of sense that tewaattyeacaeakee the elf does. Sure we know roughly what they are, one is a russian drink so it's some derivative of vodka and the other is an elf so it's some derivative of a golden haired, muscular, pointy eared super-being whose parent's tragic death while he was an infant led to him being raised by an old wise hermit whose tough outer shell really only is defense mechanism to hide the fact the he loves this elf child as was it his own, which is also evident through the fact that this old monk taught the young elf about his powerful but almost forgotten fighting technique that allows the elf to fight evil wherever he finds it. Not that teawaeattyeacaeakeea has no problems, as an elf in the lands of men he must overcome the cultural differences which his witty sidekick, the kings son in disguise, lovingly help him with as they form an unbreakable friendship while working to defeat the ultimate evil Feasibility.

frankly, I have no idea why they pick such retarded names sure they fantasy'ish but we, the readers, cant follow what hell is going on and we sure as hell cant guess what kind of person this is, not to mention that reading the story aloud is a definite no go.

my solution to this is that we give fantasy characters tried and true names from the real world. just imagine the grandeur of the tale of Joe the elf. We all know exactly what's going on here, a nice guy goes on quest to fight something evil'ish.


*a brilliant series, i advise evryone who likes fictional literature to look it up

** now i'm just a big a fanboy as everyone else here but let's just admit it they're elves with cat tails

*** pronounced /ˈkʌnt/ or kunt if you must know

Thursday, April 15, 2010

the modern man's guide to the rights of women

The state of the world really is poor. So many men out there just do not know how to behave around women. As the fighter for equal rights i really and truly am i feel it is my duty to take up yet another cause for the benefit of mankind. I will enlighten all these sad and sexist hogs. I call these helping guidelines "The modern man's guide to the rights of women." You my fellow man would do well to learn these simple guidelines well prior to your next encounter with a woman

Article 1. General guidelines

A. Remember your place
A man should always remember when he is around women that he is just a man. They are women and as such deserve your adoration, aid, dedication, honesty, best manners and testicles.

B. Remember that you are wrong
We might as well face this straight away. Women are ALWAYS Right. They are right regardless of what they are saying or how they present their position. To even suggest that these things are relevant is to misunderstand, they are not right because their statements correspond with reality but because reality corresponds with their statements.
Addendum: You might at times get the odd sensation that a woman has made a mistake. Don't be afraid. What is occurring here is not as it might seem a woman being wrong, it is merely your small male brain that is incapable of grasping her perfect logic. You should not contemplate this further as it might lead to unnecessary headache.

C. Do not try to lead if a woman is present
In correspondence with guideline B article 1 a woman is always the better leader. Due to their ability to be right, ALL THE TIME, they are also the better leaders. It is completely relevant that you are incapable of seeing how shopping could possibly solve the problem of the enormous phone-bill having remained unpaid. If you feel any unease with this i refer you to the addendum to guideline B.
Addendum: This guideline is particularly relevant to corporations. When assembling a board of directors the minimum amount of women should be 90 percent as they make no mistakes and lead far better than any man could regardless of how qualified he might seem to your limited male mind. A single man should be included though, this is done in order to ensure that if any difficult math or reading is required to make a decision it can be performed at need. This last part is absolutely vital.

D. Perform your duties
The more equal sex cannot be expected to perform menial tasks such as opening jars, driving a car without crashing, protecting themselves, moving furniture or taking out the trash. Because of this it falls to us, the less equal sex, to serve as waiters, chauffeurs, human shields and slaves when the need arises. This is the main reason why women in certain countries are not expected to perform military service, they are much too valuable to be lost in martial conflict. Men however should, each and every one, report to your local military for training.

E. Respect their fight for equal rights
Women's struggle for equal rights is the most noble thing any person could possibly commit themselves to. No thing you could possibly be involved in is even remotely as important as this. You should leave whatever you are involved in immediately and without question to help if you are called on to do this by a woman. It doesn't matter if you are putting out a fire or saving kittens, you should readily lay down your life for this cause if even remotely necessary. Always remember that all sexes are equal but women are more equal than others.

To be continued...

Big sister is watching you

-MR. Amsus

Monday, April 5, 2010

easterbunny hunt spectacular 3/3

It is a bitter day today, a bitter day indeed. A brightly colored egg lies in my reclining chair.

I've been staring at it for hours. Its pink, green and blue hues have burned into my irises. I just can't believe it happened. Everyone was on their patrol routes and all the alarms were primed. I myself had already strapped on my rocket powered rollerskates and dorsal fin safety-helmet and was ready to ignite the fuse any moment.

That was when it happened. A powerful feline shriek ripped through the air. "that bastard has gotten to the cats!!" i immediately deduced. I had to get to the cats quickly in order to save them the awful experience of being painted in pink and green stripes by a psychotic bunny obsessed with leaving painted chicken fetuses everywhere. I opted for the obvious solution and lit the fuse to my rocket powered skates. The choice was a bad one. I got the fuse for both boots lit and I got ready. problem was, that there is a slight delay between lighting one fuse and lighting the other. This delay translates to about three seconds delay between the first boot firing up and the second doing the same. This means the first boot fires off and gets your right side going rather fast while the left side doesn't move. now, when one side moves faster then the other you start to turn, and when one side moves a lot faster then the other you start to spin, and when one side moves at Mach two because it's driven forward by a rocket you start to spin, very quickly.

Now, when you start to spin extremely fast most people start to puke. and that is exactly what i did. So there i was looking like a overpowered vomit sprinkler when the other boot kicked in. So i started going forward, quickly. Seeing as how i'd been spinning at Mach two the last three seconds i wasn't exactly going the right direction either. I was however heading straight for the wall that separated the front lawn from the living room. Naturally i ducked so as not get hurt. This movement caused my dorsal fin safety-helmet to point forward turning me into a rocket powered ram. I ran straight through the wall and through the living room. well... i would have gotten through the living room if my right rocket roller skate had decided to give out that very minute. this of course left only the left roller skate, which resulted in an encore performance of the vomit sprinkler dance i had perfected earlier only the other way round. Partly from fear of death and partly from embarrassment i decided to give consciousness the slip for a couple hours.

When i came too i could see the results of my "dynamic" entrance to my living room. My living room was equal parts ruble, vomit and easter eggs. They were everywhere. pink, blue, green, yellow, red and azure. Defeat was clear and decisive. A depressed miaow found my ear and i discovered my recently clown colored cats hiding their embarrassment behind a bag of magnetic bunnyseed.

as it turns out my vomit fountain had blinded the SWAT-team guarding the living room leaving it exposed and even though Mr. E. Bunnie had fought bravely he hadn't been able to stop that easter egg obsessed maniac. The mercenaries had been no help whatsoever but that's what i get for hiring aid from "Poor Henchman inc." a bad choice i know, but it was less than half price of all the other places. The snipers had been blinded by my initial vomit fountain and thus unable to stop that furry monster from leaving.

you're probably wondering why Chuck Norris didn't stop the monster. Sadly, some terrorists had taken the British queen's dog captive and was pressuring the British parliament into giving animals equal rights by threatening to feed the dog poor quality dog food, which would just ruin it's beautifully shiny coat. Damn that PETA!!!!

-Vil. E. Amsus

Friday, April 2, 2010

easterbunny hunt spectacular 2/3

The preparations for the yearly hunt are coming together nicely. The infrared- and motion detectors have been set up.

There are a few bothers of course. It's hard to walk around the living room without stepping in magnetic bunny seed, which is alright i guess, but the cats keep messing up the piles. The motion detectors are a worse bother as they set off the alarm every time you enter another room. But i manage, as long as you remember that the code is 2222222 you can easily shut of the alarm.

The SWAT-team arrived early this morning so that's working out great as well. A very professional lot they are, nice and clean guns. Their commander, a mister E. Bunnie, is a really nice guy. He is quite short though and he has giant ears, but he isn't to blame for his genes, i do think he should cut his mustache though. I swear, if i didn't know any better i'd have sworn those were whiskers.

iv'e taken him through all the security details we've setup patrol routes for his people. three groups of two and one solo guy each group watching their own part of the living room. What a brave guy he is volunteering to be the partner-less guy, you just gotta respect that.

As a thanks for his help i've told mister Bunnie to take what ever he wants from the fridge. As a result of this iv'e run out of eggs twice today even though i bought a pack of fifteen just a couple of hours ago. But that really isn't much of a problem, i'm perfectly willing to pay for a couple extra eggs if that'll keep him and his team at peak performance.

yes, everything really is coming together nicely. The snipers have confirmed that they'll be here tomorrow and Chuck Norris has taken a few days off to help me and is according to his last text message currently running across the Atlantic ocean in an effort to warm up before getting here.

OH! the mercenaries have just rung the doorbell so i'll have to leave you now. i'll tell you how it went once the hunt is over sunday.

-Vil. E. Amsus

Thursday, April 1, 2010

easterbunny hunt spectacular 1/3

As easter rolls around once again i've begun preparations for my annual easterbunnyhunt. I am determined that this year that furry bastard will not just leave a taunting, brightly colored piece of chicken menstruation and be out of there with no further notice. No, this year i will get him.

To prepare this year i've decided to do several things differently from last year. Obviously, since he got away, two sets of infrared detectors, a sexy plastic decoy bunny for distraction, seven motion detectors, a pile of magnetic easterbunnyseed and a giant horseshoemagnet just doesn't cut it. This year however, things will be different.

For starters i've called in professional help. Two squads of shotgun wielding mercenaries will be patrolling the perimeter, and one SWAT-team will be securing the living room. Beyond that i've bought a set of rocket powered rollerskates to allow me to catch up with him in case he tries to escape capture once spotted. Two snipers armed with tranquilzer darts will be placed on the roof to ensure that no attempts to enter from open areas are successful.

The automated defenses have been amped up as well. Infrared detectors at every window and at least two motion detectors in every room. it's all on separate circuits to make hacking them impossible. Iv'e scored another two giant horseshoemagnets and several piles of magnetic bunnyseed dot the livingroom.

As a last resort I've called Chuck Norris for help and, luckily, he has promised show up if he can find some spare time in between kicking terrorist butt and being awesome.

that furry bastard doesn't stand a chance this year.

- Vil E. Amsus