Friday, January 7, 2011

Beating a dead horse -and other things about horses

It has come to my attention that bad people are spreading lies. More specifically they're telling lies about the proper care of horses. What these wicked people would have you believe is that you shouldn't beat a dead horse. This is of course a bare faced lie. No, really

As any informed person can tell you beating a horse is great, it makes people like you and get's you laid, everyone knows this. However there are are certain problems related to the beating of horses that make it challenging, problematic and dangerous.

First of all horses are crafty creatures who will stop at nothing to keep you from beating it. They will cheat, steal and lie to keep you from even attempting to beat them. They have a number of strategies they repeatedly employ to achieve this. The most common one is the aptly named "running-away" tactic. With this tactic they effectively circumvent the established rules of a beating by unfairly using their legs and ability to run fast to leave you behind, unless you are quick on your feet of course. This unfair tactics not only keep you from beating it but also gives the horse an opportunity to moone you as well as impressing the lady horses.

Don't let this happen to you!!

Beyond cheating horses will, as mentioned, lie to keep a beating from becoming a reality. Usually this happens once you approach the horse, probably after catching up with it. It will probably say something like : "whinny!"
By now you'll probably be thinking: "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, what if the others don't like me beating this particular horse?" or "maybe i'm just weird for wanting to beat this horse, i probably shouldn't do it" or if the horse is really good " this is weird why would i beat a horse right now, this is not the time for beating horses"
Thinking any of this is perfectly natural but do not falter, it is what the horse wants you to think! you must in this case simply ignore any second thoughts you might be having and just do it.

The real problem with beating a live horse however doesn't lie in either of these two difficulties with beating a horse. It real issue is with the danger.
Fact is that horses have legs and legs kick. Therefore when you get around to beating the horse it will probably try to kick you, and believe you me you don't want a horse to come back and kick you in the balls (or applicable lady parts, this has nothing to with genders) Now, sadly there is no easy way to avoid this, you must simply be better at beating the horse than the horse is at kicking you. Besides, if you try to do it in public you have to be careful which horse you beat as beating the wrong one might get you in trouble with other horses (stay away from religious horses, trust me)

As you can plainly see from the above beating a horse is a dangerous and troublesome affair. This however is where beating a dead horse comes in. A dead horse can neither run away nor can it make you doubt the wisdom of beating it + a dead horse can't kick you in the nuts (or applicable lady parts).

The only problem is that only very few of us have a dead horse lying around ready to be beaten and even if we did it wouldn't last long as it would start to stink and you'd have to throw it out. The solution is therefore, as always, A gun.
With a gun you can shoot the horse and beat it at your leisure. This technique removes all problems with cheating, because even if a horse can run fast a bullet runs faster.

Sadly though not everyone knows how use a firearm. I know to some of you it sounds impossible, but believe when i say that some people just shouldn't be allowed to raise their own kids. This problem is easily remedied though as there are a variety of excellent educational films on the subject. George Carlin's classical documentary entitled It's bad for your health is particularly good.

To sum up, i guess what i'm really reminding you to do is to kill the horse before you beat it. It's safer, easier and more effective and it let's you beat even the fastest horse (you should still stay away form religious horses though, i'm serious)